• Mr Bigleys

Drunk Man Edges Out Gravity in Fight of The Century




Straight out of Miami, Florida, comes one of the most inspiring sports stories of the year. It was a feat that many will never witness again. Despite blacking out the night before, Ian walked out the bar the unanimous winner in a comeback tale for the ages. By the end of the fight, critics became fans.


Ian, 28, has had a tumultuous drinking career full of ups and downs. Coming out of college, Ian was undoubtedly the best drinker at THE U. He had an old-fashioned approach to the game. Many blue-chip drinkers in today's age have wisened up by avoiding big hits, deferring to drinks like White Claws. But Ian was fearless. Four Lokos, shots, blunts, beer chugs – it didn't matter what you threw at the man, Ian would take it straight to the dome. Like many old school drinkers, though, his fearlessness quickly caught up to him.


Ian's drinking career was hindered by reoccurring injuries following his college days. Things like stomach ulcers, liver issues, and heartburn began to curb what was a sure Hall of Fame drinking career. By age 26, it was clear he didn't have that chin of steel that once existed. His drinking performances became unpredictable. During the Halloween party of 2018, vintage Ian was on full display, destroying any drink in his path. He would follow his Halloween success with a Christmas nightmare, puking in front of his 4 young nieces and nephews at the family party. Despite several bad showings, Ian never let his confidence deteriorate. He just continued on like the seasoned warrior he was.


At the beginning of 2019, Ian began to show signs of life. He made the decision to take the longest break of his drinking career to focus on his health. After nearly one full week off, Ian made his long-awaited comeback. He appeared to be fully healthy and exuded the consistency from back in his college days. Ian dominated 6 straight weeks of drinking, but his biggest challenge of the year was still looming; The weekend of September 20th, 2019. The bout was set for his best friends birthday to take place at the Miami biggest nightclub, LIV.


After arriving at the hotel Friday night, Ian decided to take a tune-up drink on an hour notice. The gameplan was simple: Go to a couple of bars to check out the scene, warm-up for the following night, and be back in the hotel by midnight. Unfortunately for Ian, plans don't always translate. The bar is another animal than merely practicing at one's house.


Ian claims he doesn't recall anything past 11:30. It was the earliest he'd been blacked out in months. According to Ian, everything was going to plan. Ian was sticking to beer and playing the night safe by avoiding taking any big shots. But like many talented drinkers, Ian became undisciplined for just a moment. He accepted a shot from a friend and blackness ensued. Ian woke up, crippled in his hotel room with drunk texts offering to fly his ex-girlfriend from 4 years ago to Miami. He was lucky she declined but was now faced with the challenge of recovering by 8PM for another 6-hour drinking bout; The main event.


Ian walked us through his fight, saying, "Yeah, things really went wrong during the tune-up drink. By the looks of my bathroom, I spent most of the night puking. After I woke up, I attempted to eat but couldn't hold anything down. I went and received an IV to try and hydrate before the big bout. The nurses told me I was crazy to think that I would be back drinking that night. They told me no one who took as much brain damage as I did the night before should even think about taking on another drinking session in such a short amount of time. I was a little insulted when they told me I had brain damage, but I decided to let it go. It was my best friends birthday, and I knew I had to put on a show."


A show is precisely what Ian put on. Despite blacking out the previous night, Ian showed up to the pregame like nothing happened. He said, "That night really threw everything it had at me. As soon as we took our first shot at 8:30 PM, I knew it was going to be an old fashioned slugfest. After dodging 3 knockout shots, Jameson finally caught me right on the chin. I became dazed and had flashbacks from the night before. Lucky for me, I have one of the best cornermen in the world, my friend, John. I sat on my stool, and he could see I was barely hanging on. I'll never forget what he told me, "Ian if you can puke in this booth they're going to charge us an extra $800. Stop being a pussy." He then gave me an Adderall and BOOM! Your boy was back."


Ian survived that night and won by unanimous decision. There were multiple instances throughout the night when it looked like Ian was going down for the count, especially after he puked in a cup and poured it on the floor. But this is what makes Ian, Ian. Although his severe liver damage may keep him from reaching what he could have been, it's still must-watch drinking when he's on. Despite the emotional damage and recurring Sunday Scaries, Ian says he regrets nothing when it comes to his drinking career. So cheers to you, Ian, and get your dick checked out. Sources close to the situation say It looks like you may have raw dogged that stripper…

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