• Mr Bigleys

Donations Flood in for Notre Dame Cathedral. But is There an Alternative Motive?

Updated: Jul 5, 2019

We’re now a few days out from the fire that caused devastating damage to the Notre Dame Cathedral. Bigleys can imagine it like it was 3 days ago: I was on Instagram, scrolling through my feed when I noticed a disproportional number of Instagram THOT’s posting about that one time they went to Europe. Alarms went off in Bigleys head. If there’s one thing in this world that we know, it’s that Instagram THOT’s are opportunists. Likes are the new currency. Shit, if Instagram was around for 9/11, millions of pictures with the caption, “Tower number 2 falling reminded me of my trip to New York. Had this happened in May of last year who knows what would happen to me. @SallyMae we have to go back soon!” would fill our feeds.


New paragraph. It only took a quick Google search to realize the historic Notre Dame Cathedral was on fire. Despite avoiding any injuries or deaths, the world still grieved. Notre Dame is loaded with history, none of which I know, but I bet it’s super important. It was encouraging, though, to see the massive amounts of donations that flooded in to help renovate the church. Around $995 million dollars has been donated thus far including money from the owners of Dior and Chanel as well as donations from Apple. Personally, Bigleys thought that this should be considered a good thing. But after listening to the pulse of France, the Yellow Jackets, it seems like they’re PISSED RIGHT OFF. So Bigleys continued his Bigley digging to find out why.


On the surface level, the anger seems pretty straight forward. People are mad that donations are going towards a building rather than towards underprivileged people that may actually need it. Many also claim that these ultra-rich are only donating so that they can receive the 60% rebate the government hands out. Now, I’m sure these issues could be argued for years, but that’s not what I’m interested in. What interests me are the facts in the case that are causing this controversy to be compared to the college admissions scandal. Is this another example of pay to play? ‘Rich people trying to buy their way into heaven’ was a funny joke I thought about Tweeting. But was it a joke at all? God doesn’t discriminate against the poor, right?


As I continued my research into a possible alternative motive for the donations, I came across something shocking. In the Catholic church, there’s something they call ‘Indulgence’. What is indulgence? To put it simply, it’s when someone gives a charitable donation and/or some sort of act of kindness. In return, the person receives a remission from temporal punishment that would have been brought by sin. If you still aren’t catching what I’m trying to say because ‘temporal punishment’ threw you off, it’s being able to buy your way out of sin. Ends up, Indulgence had been outlawed by the church in 1567 but, quietly reinstated by one of the caucasian Popes in the 1960s. It all began to make sense. There’s no difference between an Instagram THOT and a multi-billionaire; they all pounce on an opportunity. The motive was simple - The rich were buying their way into heaven. How do you think those gates of heaven stay so pearly? It’s not out of the kindness of the sinner's hearts. Along with the monetary donations were acts of kindness. The church announced that its priests would now be wearing Dior garments and that the Churches would be serving the body and blood of Christ out of beautiful Chanel bowls and chalices. The cross will also now be lined with that patented Chanel blue, which personally I love. All of which will be donated, free of charge, by Dior and Chanel. Suspicious?


Unfortunately, it all appears to be legal. The government cannot interfere with the rich buying their way into heaven. That would be unlawful. So what other ways could Bigleys help? How do we help these poor Yellow Jacket’s? One thing is clear: They’re pissed about everything. Being the solutions-oriented guy that I am, I began to ponder my thoughts. What I realized is that these people weren’t just mad, they were envious of the rich. Envy: One of the seven deadly sins. They want what they don’t have. I knew that telling these people straight up wouldn’t help, so I looked for outside sources to help me help them. I came across an article about envy on ActiveChristianity.org, a site that runs entirely on fact. The article states, “It begins with a thought. 'That’s not fair.' 'Who do they think they are?' 'Why don’t I get the recognition? Why is it always they who are blessed?' Simple things like that which cause our soul, also known as our feelings and 'reasoning' to react and overreact.” The article then goes onto say that the only way to overcome envy is through faith. That's it! If faith is what they need than faith is what Bigleys will give them.


The solution for the Yellow Jackets arose as I read more in depth about the people. I learned that the Yellow Jacket’s were a leaderless group and that its members ranged anywhere on the political spectrum, from far left to far right. To better the chances of my own Indulgement, lets also assume that they’re all poor (Never heard rich people get mad about gas taxes). As Proverbs 19:17 reads, “Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the LORD, and he will reward them for what they have done.” So here’s my helping hand, poor people. On top of donating all the ad click money from this article to Notre Dame, I also want to introduce you to your leader. No group in the history of mankind has made a long-lasting impact without someone to lead the way. Rid yourselves of your envy! Entrust this man! Let him motivate each and every one of you to make enough money so that one day, you too can purchase your own indulgence! I like to call this man Twitter Jesus. He’s inspired and restored the faith of millions across the world! That's right; Your newest lord and savior is Gary V!! Here’s a video, listen to what he says: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETNEXSMzwtA


**GOD TAKE THIS ARTICLE AND MY AD DONATIONS AS MY HUMBLE REQUEST FOR AN INDULGENCE. I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS A THING. IM SORRY TO HAVE EVER DOUBTED YOU. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BY THE SIZE OF THESE CHURCHES THAT YOU’RE A BUSINESS MAN. FORGIVE MY SINS FATHER. PLEASE EMAIL MY INDULGENCE TO FAHOO2345@OUTLOOK.COM. AMEN.**



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