Millennials continue to ruin everything. Granted, a majority of the people who were involved in the decision’s this article describes probably consisted of mostly non-millennials but, it’s important to say something about millennials in each article to get a boost in those clicks. If you think this website has journalistic integrity you better pack your bags and go to the Yahoo. Anyhow, in a major plot twist on the word person, 27 persons have won person of the year honors for 3 separate person of the year awards this week. According to my calculations, that equates to each person consisting of an average of 9 persons. The Golden State Warriors won Sports Illustrated Sportsperson of the year, the Guardian Reporters won Time Magazine’s person of the year, and K-Pop band, BTS, won Time online’s readers person of the year. What the fuck is K-Pop? Apparently, it stands for Korean Pop music and it is fucking YUGE. Simply put, it’s the anime of music. The same reason K-Pop is popular is the same reason why Anime is: we’ve shamed bullies out of existence. Just like government intervention, it always has unintentional consequences. The elimination of bullying has resulted in the unwanted child that survived the vasectomy, and it goes by the name of K-Pop. My disdain for K-Pop is for another article, though.
There was a time when person of the year meant something. Some of humanities greatest historical figures have won these awards with the likes of OJ Simpson, Hitler, Stalin, Putin, and more. But 2018 is a different time. Now even the kid who sits Indian style on defense in the middle of a soccer game gets a trophy. You’re telling me that little T-t-t-t-t-timothey on the last place Magenta Butterflies gets the same recognition as the questionable 8-year-old Jose and the undefeated Muchacho’s FC? To make matters worse, in the Time online poll, BTS, and I can not make this shit up, beat the second place finisher Planet Fucking Earth by .12%. I didn’t go any further into reading past the first paragraph so I don’t know if it was literally the entire planet earth or the TV show. Either way somehow a TV show almost won an award designed to be given to a person OR 7.53 billion people were edged out by a K-Pop band. Wait, what's that? The Thai Cave divers came in third? The same people that saved little T-t-t-t-timothy Lee and the rest of the Magenta Butterflies? I can’t even. BREAKING NEWS: due to the recent expansion in person of the year awards, Fahoo News has officially been named Fahoo News person of the year. Congratulations!!
For real though, I’m finally calling for it to happen. I now call for December 15th to be the official holiday of Bully a Local Bus Stop. At 7 AM, camp out at your local elementary’s bus stop (no longer on street corners because too many kids were getting smoked) and wait for the group of kids to show up. Once there’s a solid number get out of your car and convince the rest of the children to join in on bullying, who appears to be, the weakest one. How do you recognize the weakest link? He’s the one with the rolling backpack. You walk straight up to him, kick him as hard as you can in his fragile, beta shin, unzip his rollerblade backup where you will inevitably find the thermos his mom packed him, then open that thermos up and pour his hot soup on him while telling him he’ll never win person of the year. In reality, don’t do that. Be smart. Just tell your kid to do it for you. You kicking the shit out of a kid is going to put you in the slammer for at least 15-20 years. Your kid’s getting a 3-day suspension max. Take that NERD!
