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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

Dear Bigleys - My New Advice Column

Since I first set out to spread the good word of Bigleys, I've challenged myself to continue to grow and evolve as a person. I won't be satisfied with only being the smartest hypocrite in the room. It's time that I start carving a new path, and it's why I've decided to take the jump into the world of advice-giving.

See, the great thing about the internet is the complete freedom that it provides. Online, you can be whoever you want to be. It's how I'm able to spend my weekends acting like a 13-year-old girl in chatrooms with horny 50-year-old men. You'd be shocked how skewed the numbers are for pedophiles with uncircumcised dicks, but we don't need to get into that right now.

Whether it's real-life or online, achieving a level of authority, trustworthiness, blue checkmarks, or any other sense of importance simply requires one to play the part. Why do you think people love NBC's The Voice so much? Can you name a single winner in its 12 season history? Are you shocked that it's been on for that long? What if I told you that I just lied because it's actually been on for 17 seasons…The point I'm making is that they do an incredible job at pretending the show matters or is in any way relevant.

When it comes down to it, being a successful pretender only requires two things: confidence and answers. It's why I've started a (w)horoscope branch of FaHoo. Let's be honest: Most of these people don't want to search for any real answers. And it's not my job to tell them that therapy may be the better route for their issues. They don't want to hear that shit - so I give the people what they want. I throw in a few terms like "retrograde" and "Mars is at a 34 degree parallel cornerstone to Jupiter's gravitational pull," and tell them it's ok to be sad this month and maybe to even treat themselves. It doesn't matter if it's right, it only matters if that's what they wanted to hear.

Upon entering the astrology world, I knew advice-giving was the next natural step. Now, you may be asking, "Mister Bigleys, don't you find it morally wrong to give others life advice when you know damn well you should not be the person handing out philosophical guidance?" My answer: I don't know, but like the people taking the advice, I'm not willing to spend to much time digging that deep. Besides, if chicks are ok with taking advice from anonymous Instagram posts, then what I'm spewing can't be much worse...

Anyhow, my first ever client reached out to me earlier this week requesting some relationship advice. I don't know much about those, but I was willing to give it a shot. If you're reading this, then you already missed out on the live stream. The good news is that a recording will be posted below. If you want to watch me give advice live, make sure to tune in next week, Thursday at 9 PM, to catch another episode of "Dear Bigleys."


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