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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

Clinton Finds Comfort in 8 Year Old Girl Who Also Lost Her Class Presidential Run

Since the election of 2016, Hillary Clinton has found herself with a lot of time on her hands. So what has she been up to? Well, as she was recently scrolling through her Facebook feed she happened to come across a fellow presidential nominee loser, Martha, an 8-year-old, who recently lost her bid for class president. Joy immediately shot through Clinton’s entire body causing her to faint. But being able to bring up the 2016 election and the reason why it wasn’t her fault is the only thing left that can push that thick red mud through her varicose lizard veins.

Young Martha’s election has since revealed itself as being quite controversial with her losing by a mere 1 vote to a 4th-grade boy, Chase. This left Martha as the vice president, something that is not rewarded to the 1st loser of the United States Presidential election. After Clinton learned of this travesty she immediately sprang into action, resulting in her fainting once more. As she awoke she demanded a recount from Mr. Orlando's class who has been infamous for voting miscounts. Unfortunately, the ballots were missing so that no further action could be taken. But if you think that was the most problematic issue that arose during this election cycle, you’re more wrong than my 3rd-grade teacher who told my Mom that I was going to do something really special one day. Confirmed rumors spread that when Chase was in 2nd grade he was overheard at the swings saying, “You can do whatever you want to these girls. They’ll do anything to sit next to me at the lunch table. In fact watch this Jon, I’m going to walk straight up to Stacey and grab her by the hand. They love it. They can’t get enough of it.” Chase has since apologized for the matter but, to his credit, did date Stacey for almost an entire week and was nothing but good to her. It's been reported that while they were together he pushed her on her favorite swing every recess.

Chase has also been accused by one of the school newspapers, The Fluffington Post, that he exchanged lunch money with the new mysterious kid from Russia, Viktor. This money was reportedly a set fee so that Viktor would spread malicious false rumors throughout the school. These rumors ultimately misinformed voters to benefit Chase. Viktor has recently been criticized for the take over of the largest north plastic jungle gym from the older 5th graders. He has been infamous within the school ever since the incident. This investigation of the reported pay-for-rumor is ongoing. His former best friend, James the Homey, recently testified against Chase while serving detention. Chase has responded to James' comments by saying, "They're lies. He's a big fat liar. In fact, some of the smartest people I know call him a liar, liar, pants on fire. I wouldn't make this up. He's just mad that my mom got me the new Call of Duty and his mom is a lib who practices video game control in her own household."

With that, it would be unfair to include only the criticisms of Chase while ignoring Martha’s own mischief and mismanagement. Martha has been dating former class president, Phil since they were both in first grade. He’s been known to hold hands behind the school shed with numerous other girls and was even impeached after he was caught playing footsies underneath the table during art class. Martha also found herself in trouble when the school’s other newspaper, The Teacher, released documents showing that Martha had been clumsily passing classified information on unsecured sticky notes between her and her best friends. One sticky note even explained to Becky, Martha’s Biffle, how she set up her fellow classmate and only competition, Nick, for failure. Nick was gaining steam by promising free lunches, no homework, and unlimited recess time for all. The released sticky notes go into detail and reveal promises made by Martha to Tasha, the most popular girl in school, guaranteeing a major influence on class laws if she were to spread the rumor that Nick did, indeed, have the cooties. Martha ended up winning by a landslide with this rumor playing a major roll in the victory. Following the release of the story the writer, Little Tommy Jenkins, was found dead after tragically drowning in his pool. Police said that Tommy hit his head on the way into the pool but evidence lacks to present any bumps on his head and doesn’t explain the drowning with the presence of floaties on his arms. RIP Little Tommy Jenkins.

In the end, it was a noble act by Clinton to write a letter to this young, fellow loser. Hillary, as busy as she must be, doing… could have ignored the Facebook post and moved on with her life. Instead, she encouraged young Martha to carry on by saying, “It’s not easy when you stand up and put yourself in contention for a role that’s only been sought by boys,” and that's exactly right! I mean sure young Martha had an enormous advantage according to the polls. And sure she had the edge of her longtime boyfriend being the former class president. Sometimes it’s just not your fault that you lack any human traits whatsoever. It doesn't matter that Martha had $40 in campaign funds compared to Chase’s $20. Even with all these disadvantages that Martha faced, I think we can all agree on this; Nobody should praise Chase’s infidelity, support from the Russian kid, and a list of questionable actions that are too long for just one article to go through. But it would be oblivious to state as an absolute fact that young Martha is any better of a human being based on her history as well. Either way, the vote for class president is part of the democratic process. And soon, before you know it, there will be a new guy or gal in office pissing half of the school off anyway. (Insert Religous Being Here) Bless America.

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