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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

BREAKING: The United Elf Workers Union Goes on Strike, Leaving X-Mas in Peril

THIS JUST IN: The United Elf Workers union (UEW) has officially gone on strike, leaving Christmas in peril. Rumors of a potential strike have been swirling for months with their previous 4-year agreement coming to an end in March 2020. The timing of the will most likely leave Santa Corp with a production loss of nearly 1.216 billion gifts, according to analysts. This comes as a significant blow to the Santa Corp and will force them to skip deliveries to poverty-ridden communities for the 1683rd year in a row.

Santa Corp, which started as a mom and pop shop, has transformed into one of the largest corporations in the world — delivering gifts to more than 526,000,000 children a year. I was able to speak with some local elves who described Santa Corp as a company that once stood for something, but has since become yet another greedy conglomerate only concerned with their own profits. This profit-first mindset has led the Corp to go as far as cucking Jesus out of his own birthday.

A bulk of that criticism has fallen on the famed CEO, Santa Claus. Just last year, Ol' Saint Nick was paid a $37 million salary, not including licensing fees from mall impersonators. To break that down: Santa was paid $37 million per day, or over $1.5 million for every hour worked. He even made the controversial decision to give Mrs. Claus a raise last year from $10 million to $15 million per year despite claiming she was a "very naughty girl" the year prior.

Those who follow Santa Corp know they've long been associated with shoddy business practices, though. Mr. Claus's first delivery was after stealing a bag of gold and delivering it to a woman in the middle of the night. Santa Corp also has a deep history of illegally producing counterfeit products without permission, essentially undercutting their prices and avoiding any legal trouble due to the North Pole's extradition laws. On top of that, Santa Claus has been involved in numerous other controversies, including discriminating against non-Christians (anti-semitism), animal cruelty, and was recently seen sporting a new MAGA Christmas hat.

Despite all of this, there's still hope in the North Pole elf community that a deal can get done. The UEW is entering the negotiations with 4 main goals in mind.

The first is pay raises. The average elf makes 7 cookies/hour, but the UEW is seeking at least $25/hour. It's unlikely that Santa Corp will transfer their payment over to cash. Santa Corp has long defended the pay of their elves and claims 7 cookies/hour is more than enough to feed a family. I mean, to be fair, they are small.

The second is more investment in North Pole factories. Numerous reports have stated that Santa Corp is seriously looking into moving jobs to China, which could reduce costs by nearly 27%.

The third request is for improved healthcare. Work in the shop comes with its fair share of dangers, which is why Santa Corp has provided the elves with medical insurance. They have not offered dental, though. With the elves' diet consisting of candy canes and cookies, dental coverage is vital.

The final request is for increased opportunities for temps to become permanent workers. The elf community is entirely reliant on Santa Corp, with 100% lacking any sort of accredited college degree or prior work experience. For years, many of the elf people attended North Pole University, majoring in workmanship (the only degree available). But it soon became clear that the school was owned and ran by Santa Corp. With it being a for-profit school, transferring to an accredited university is next to impossible.

For the sake of middle-class kids, we hope this doesn't turn into the new GM strike. As the situation continues, you can count on to bring you all the necessary updates. Stay tuned.

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