Big news coming out of the Vatican today: Pope Francis announced that he'd officially be joining the podcasting industry. Dubbed the "progressive pope," Francis hopes the podcast can attract new and young Catholics.
It's a revolutionary move by the Pope and could pay off big dividends. In the US alone, 32% of American's listen to a podcast every month. Nearly 48% of listeners are also between the ages of 18 and 34; A demographic the Catholic Church severely lacks.
With a built-in fanbase of nearly 1.2 billion people, experts speculate that the debut episode will easily set records on its Christmas day release date. Because of this, advertisers have been throwing money at the Vatican for a chance to market their product.
With the help of our sources, we were able to get our hands on the premiere episode. To no podcast listener's surprise, the Pope closed deals with the same four advertisers that sponsor every podcast. The ad reads are (Spoiler Alert):
1. Cash App
The Pope wastes no time hitting his first ad read at minute 4:05. You can tell the man is already a professional, saying, "Next up: You won't believe what Joseph said when he found out his virgin wife was pregnant, but first, a word from our sponsor."
As rumor has it, the Pope plans to use the off-brand Venmo for future donations. Cheapskate Catholics will no longer have an excuse to short the Church because they forgot the checkbook. Simply take out your phone and send the money to your Parish. The Cash App is even offering five free dollars to your Church when you sign up with the promo code JE$U$CHRI$T.
2. HIMS
HIMS, the brand that makes products for men, is the second-largest sponsor of the podcast. Their ad read follows as such; "Do you despise those awkward doctor visits regarding your ED? Are you tired of doctors questioning what you need Viagra for if you're a priest? Are alter boys not getting the Ol' Gospel Pipe going like they used to? Well, do we have a Godsend for you: HIMS. All you have to do is sign up, have an online consultation, and within a week we'll send generic Viagra straight to your door in a nondescript package. It's really that simple. To make things even better, for your first order, receive 50% off with the promo code "KIDDYTOUCHER."
3. LegalZoom
"Another accusation? Try LegalZoom. With their help, skip the jail sentence and quietly get moved to another Church. Don't let 10-15 minor slip-ups ruin your life. For legal advice, call LegalZoom today."
4. ZipRecruiter
"Another one of your priests thrown in jail? Finding a long-term cleric isn't as easy as it once was. Let ZipRecruiter help find the right guy for you. 95% of Churches using ZipRecruiter find a quality tot tickler in the first week. Sign up now and try our product FREE!"
Potential 5. MeUndies
The Pope is also in talks with MeUndies and hopes to strike a deal with them soon. Rumor has it; the Vatican is discouraged by the company's blatant ageism. As soon as the MeUndies agrees to make undergarments for children, a deal should be in place.
Segments
FaHoo was also able to listen to the segments in the episode, and we have to say - there's some high-quality content. By the sounds of it, the Pope plans on having a high-profile guest on each week. For episode 1, he invites Cardinal George Pell on the podcast. They start the episode debating whether or not Saint Nick is overrated, followed by their Mount Rushmore of Saints. Later, they play fuck, marry, kill between the father, son, and holy spirit. Things get a little weird when George Pell asks how old the son is, but the Pope is quick to change the subject. They then do what appears to be a weekly segment of "Confession Corner." Callers admit their darkest sins, and the two tell them how many Hail Mary's they have to say to wipe that sin off the board. I hate to spoil it, but manslaughter is only 15 Hail Mary's! Finally, they finish with the guest's favorite segment: Alter boy of the week. Little Kenny of St. Paul's Parish in Montana takes home the honors.
Whether or not the Pope's new podcast will hit big is yet to be seen. Personally, I love the idea. It's good to see the Catholic Church finally join the 21st century. If you want to listen, go on Spotify, Apple Music, or anywhere else you get your podcasts. Feel free to subscribe and leave a review. The Church welcomes you with open arms.
**Special thanks to this article's sponsors: SeatGeek. Use the promo code "FaHoo," and maybe get $15 off your next Joel Osteen mass.**