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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

Breaking Down the 2020 (Elementary) Election

With the end of summer break comes a new school year. It's an exciting time for the kids - An opportunity to meet new classmates, have a new teacher and begin a whole new year of adventures. But, while a majority of children were out enjoying their summer vacations, a select few have been in the war room, planning their attack for Ms. 'Parker's 4th grade, 2020 Class Presidential Election.

This year should be one of the most competitive elections that Ms. Parker's class has seen in years. The debates will be between two former class presidents, Sally Poole, and Jack Jones. It's a classic clash of two titans. has done the research for you, to explain each candidates stances, policies, and past controversies.

We'll begin with the brash, Jack Jones. Now, little Jack Jones hasn't entered the race without a controversial past. His transcripts from the newest Call of Duty were leaked by an estranged friend. We warn you that the language used is explicit...

Jack said during a match, "I just fucked you up like the little faggot that you are. Did you enjoy that? Do you enjoy being fucked by this dick you pussy, faggot, bitch!?" Incredibly, Jack managed to make it out the controversy nearly scot-free. In response to the backlash, Jack said, "Me? I love the gays. My best friend is Gary, and according to last week's rumor, he's pretty gay. I saw him kiss his dad on the lips one time. Besides, we've all said some regrettable things online, right?"

Many thought Jack's political career was over, but the 4th grade Teflon Don remains. Unsurprisingly, Jack also brings some strong opinions about what needs to be done. His stances, below:

1) Cut Welfare Lunches

Jack says that the school is wasting too much money, giving away free hot lunches to poor kids. He believes that free handouts create lazy kids. He says, "I remember showing up to school one day without a lunch back in 2nd grade. I didn't complain, cry, or demand a free lunch. You know what I did? I strapped up my Velcro Buzz Lightyear sneakers and went to work. By the end of lunch, I managed to trade a pen for a full, 3-course meal. That's how you make a change. That's the American Dream!"

2) Discontinue School of Choice & Secure School Borders

The elementary school that Jack and Sally attend has been a "school of choice" since 2014. Since then, many kids from surrounding areas have joined the elementary. Jack wants to discontinue the program and secure the school border with a fence. He said, "These low-class kids entering our school system are taking jobs and making this school an unsafe place to learn. Just last year, 3 Safety Patrol positions were taken by these migrants. Those are 3 jobs that should have gone to our students." As for the fence, Jack claims, "There are kiddy touchers out there. I'll be darned if one of our unsuspecting students gets taken by one of these monsters at recess."

3) Implement Harsher Detention Sentences

Jack has notoriously supported harsher sentences for kids who get in trouble. In 3rd grade, he backed no recess for a full week if you were caught on a cell phone during class. He's referred to those in detention as "future murderers and rapists." Jack has also been outspoken over the issue ever since Riley Moon was released a day early and allowed to rejoin the playgrounds, only to beam Jack's best friend in the face with a kickball.

On the opposite side is Sally Poole, who can be broadly described as a little lib. Her father is an artist, and her mother is a 2nd-grade teacher. In fact, Sally stirred up quite the controversy when she won class President while her mother was her 2nd-grade teacher. There were whispers of collusion and ballot tampering. An investigation revealed that 4 kids, who were now high schoolers, voted for Sally.

Despite the controversy, Sally has grown quite the following going into the 2020 election. We've compiled a list of what her campaign will most likely run on:

1) Grade Scale Reform

Sally sees it as being unfair that the kiss-ass kids keep getting A's while the dumb students continue to struggle. To fix this imbalance, Sally proposed the students with A's or above should get taxed 25% of their grade. It will then be distributed to the cognitively less fortunate, like myself.

2) Nerf Gun Control

With the growing number of school shootings, many of Sally's followers are calling for the ban of all Nerf guns. Sally's stance is less extreme, but she does believe in taking away all assault Nerf Guns. She states, "I see no reason why a student should own an Elite Titan or Mega Megalodon Nerf Gun. Last year, nearly 3 students were knocked out of school for more than a week after Johnny Vance unloaded 3 full clips into a recess crowd, hitting many in the eyes. It's time we make a change!"

3) Detention Reform

At Sally's recent bust stop rallies, she has stressed the need to reform detention. She claims that a disproportional amount of minorities are serving time in detention. The stats support her point, showing that the token suburban black kid and two Hispanic twin brothers have served over 60% of all detention time.

4) Free Health Care

Ever since the school nurse was fired for inappropriately touching a 6th grader, the school's front desk lady has taken the position of the interim nurse. Sally believes that every student should have the ability to walk into the school nurse's office and have a band-aid put on, cost-free.

When it comes down to it, Ms. Parker's 4th grade, 2020 election is projected to the closest since 2005. Where will the political and social tides go? And how will the only independent candidate, Skylar Hart, do in the race? In an era where many candidates have dropped the traditional way of running a 4th-grade campaign, Skylar has fully embraced it. He keeps it simple by running on talking points that include no homework, unlimited recess, and free candy for anyone that votes for him. All we can do for now is sit back and enjoy the race.

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