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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

#BirthStrike: Population Control Enthusiasts Hottest New Trend

The earth is so fucked. There are way too many people on this earth, the climate is changing, India is a shit hole, and AOC says the world is going to end in 12 years. Personally, I don’t see the need for all of the concern. You’re telling me that in 12 years this whole thing we call, “life,” will finally be done? Well, fuck, sign me up then. In fact, as a millennial when I heard I would have to wait 12 years to see the season finale I decided to help binge my life a little faster. That’s why I’ve been having bonfires every Saturday night made from the plastic water bottles I used that week while serving all the drinks at the fire in unrecycled red cups with 4 straws in each. But like anything, there's a group of people who apparently disagrees with me. This group is #BirthStrike.

When I came across this Yahoo article I knew it was my journalistic responsibility to read what they had to say. Even though I may have my own opinions on the subject it’s important that I indulge in the ideas of others. The Facebook group #BirthStrike includes 225 members from all across the US and Europe. The belief they have is simple: if you have kids in today's world you are a shit bag human being. But these beliefs are shared between more women than just it's Facebook members. A survey of 6500 Australian women showed that 22% would not have children because of climate change. Laura Formisano is quoted in the piece saying, “It almost feels like a con, to bring a child into the world when it’s probably not going to be a place we’re really going to want to live.” The article also describes when Meghan Kallman and Josephine Ferorelli met at a concert in New Hampshire and began to discuss the topic of bringing kids into today’s world. They felt so much comfort knowing that there were others who felt the same as they did that they decided to start throwing house parties where people can come and openly talk about these touchy subjects, solidifying New Hampshire's status as the worst state to party in the continental United States. The choice to not have children doesn’t come without emotional distress, though. Needless to say, these women are still human. Blythe Pepino, one of the co-creators of #BirthStrike said, “I’m 32, and I absolutely love my partner, and I want his kid so badly. But I just can’t figure out how I would do that.” Some might say, “Why not adoption?” But c’mon…Nobody wants a used car and even then, at least those come with CarFax. Little Jimmy just comes with loads of undocumented concerns. No pushy used kid salesman could convince me to cough up the $10,000 to $15,000 that it costs to adopt a kid. I can get a purebred Golden Retriever for a fraction of that price. And then, at least, if I realized I made a mistake it will only be a 10-12 year oopsie. But let's move on.

In the article, the group makes it clear that they are not population control movement, rather an open discussion of ideas and thoughts. None of that matters to me. I’m not here to label your group and ideals. What this did do, though, was get me thinking about how I would help control the population. The idea I came up with maybe a tad on the radical side…not like Nazi radical, more like parents questioning what this new Rock n Roll genre was going to do to their kids. To set up my idea I think it’s important to begin with the fact that our society is soft. There was a time when our elders were thrown into a draft to see who got to go to war. My idea isn’t as much of a draft as it is a game of statistics. The idea is simple: the New World Order finally comes together and makes it mandatory that each individual takes a plane ride in a Boeing 737 Max once a year from California to Hawaii. If your plane makes it then you’re free to live your life. I can sense some of you feeling a little uneasy about this idea so I came up with this as well; For select groups, it is mandatory that they also take the 737 Max back to California for one more ride. These people include (as of now): People who don’t say thank you when you hold the door for them. People who don’t simply say excuse me when they walk between crowds of people causing me to spill my drink. People who tip less than 15%. People who repost other peoples story to their own on Instagram. There’s a reason why I don’t follow that person please don’t make me watch their fucking story. And finally parking meter attendants. I know you need to make a living too but there should be consequences for your decisions. I don't want a yes or no yet. I just ask that you let the idea marinate for a little...

**If you’re looking to speed up the next 12 years here’s a link to buy 200 plastic straws:

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