Cultural appropriation has been a sizzling hot topic for the past few years now. Big names including Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus, Pharell, Zac Efron, and many more have been accused of the act. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I, too, have participated in cultural appropriation; I always make my NBA 2K create-a-player black for the extra boost in athleticism and overall swagger. I've left stickers on my 59FIFTY hats to mirror my favorite rappers and NBA stars. I strictly eat sushi with chopsticks. I've even gone as far as to pretend that I'm Irish on St. Paddy's day. As I've grown up, though, I've learned to stay in my own lane and avoid what could be considered offensive behavior to others. What were once Nike boots are now Chelsea's. My flat-brimmed hats have slowly warped into sharply curved, generic Patagonia dad hat's. The free-flowing, baggy Nike tees that I once wore have shrunk into the schmedium workout supplement shirts that I receive free with every purchase of $75 or more. But now, after having the chance to quarantine myself from the ageist disease that is COVID-19, I've discovered a surplus of time to overthink the topic, read other's subconscious thoughts, and see it from another angle. What I'm talking about, of course, is the POV of a white guy.
Examples of white cultural appropriation are everywhere; Simply open your eyes, and you'll see what I'm talking about. Things once engrained in the caucasian lifestyle are now being used outside of their original cultural context. This may come off as controversial to many of the readers, but I must stand up and participate in ending this toxic and obscene exploitation of the blanco heritage. Below, I share some very definitive proof with you:
1…The Theft of the QB Position
When it comes to sports, white’s aren’t asking for much. Our only requests are to leave us with hockey, the positions you and Hispanics don’t want in baseball, golf (besides our adopted black son, Tiger), the Winter Olympics, and most importantly, quarterback.
See, QB was one of the only positions in sports or athletic hobbies (i.e. Golf) that a white guy could dominate. Sure, we can't run fast, jump high, or move laterally with grace. If a defensive lineman were rushing straight towards us, we'd make the intelligent, caucasian choice, and dive to avoid the hit. We may not be able to run 4.3-second 40-yard dashes, but we can still be born tall with rocket arms, and take three steps backwards without pulling a hamstring.
QB was our last hope to be considered legitimate athletes. In 7th grade, after an uncoordinated, goofy, adolescent Mr Bigleys finished getting dominated by the inner-city kids at virtually any sport; he could always go home and pull up picture’s of these guy’s as reassurance:
Now, with QB’s such as Russel Wilson, Dak Prescott, Cam Newton, Patrick Mahomes, Lamar Jackson, James Winston, Deshaun Watson, Jacoby Brissett, Kyler Murray, and Dwayne Haskins; White people’s only opportunity to shine is fading. And as this hope evaporates, I’m really only left to concede. Fine...You can have the quarterback position, but you have to agree on 50/50 split of Russel Wilson, Dak Prescott, Patrick Mahomes, as well as half of the civil rights work that Kaepernick performs. It’s the least you can do to pay us some sort of reparation. Fair is fair...
2…Appropriating Oakley’s
Transitioning from the controversial QB Heist of 2019, it's important to point out that 1.5 of those quarterbacks - Patrick Mahomes and Lamar Jackson - have managed to popularize the single-lens Oakley frame again. Go ahead an appropriate the quarterback position all you want, especially if it helps my fantasy team, but I refuse to sit here and watch an integral part of the racist white male's official wife-beating uniform get robbed right in front of my eyes. Leave us something...What's next? Barbed wire tattoos?
If African American’s are going to ransack our culture and Military Grade sunglasses, we’d appreciate it if you at least pretended to assimilate yourselves into the culture. Take Greg Hardy as a good example. That guy put in the work and fully immersed himself by kicking the shit out of his wife/girlfriend.
He’s earned his Oakley’s. He’s earned his affliction t-shirt. And if he wins one more UFC fight, then fuck it, I’ll say it: He’s even earned his embroidered jeans.
3…Making Dad Shoes Cool
I try to not let my emotions boil over, but this one gets me really fricken mad. You thought you were going to get away with wearing a staple of white people’s culture: the dad shoe. Mmmmmyello?! Do I look like a darn tootin’ fool to you? (Excuse my language) Typically, a feller like myself would immediately cross the street when I see a group of African American males walking towards me. Once I spotted those sharp sneakers, though, I had no gosh darn choice but to have a little chat.
I sure hate being confrontational like this, but you haven't walked a day in my shoes. What do you know about the New Balance 990's, 608's, Hook and Loop 577's, or even the 624's for that matter?
You think just because the eccentric Mr. West - who I have to admit is growing on me - begins to sell overpriced dad sneakers, that you can ignore the people who've been putting in the footwork; Quite literally? You've never experienced that kind of versatility. When's the last time you cut the lawn in your Keezy's, hopped straight in the Camry an hour later, and showed up to your favorite Mexican joint for quesadilla's with the family?
I mean, jeez oh peter, why would you ever spend $350 on a pair Neezy sneakers, or whatever silly name they're called? You could get two pairs of Air Monarchs for a fraction of the price: One for everyday life, and another nice pair for the weekly Tuesday date night with the old lady.
All I'm saying is if you've never split an ice cold 6-pack of Budweiser's with Dale from down the street and helped him out with his 10-year long rebuild of that '69 Camaro, don't pretend like you're "down" with the culture. Also, while we're on the topic: I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to patronize my people by coining them "dad shoes."
4) Short Shorts
Right when white guys everywhere were getting used to shorts that reach their knees, the blacks hit us with an okie doke and hijacked our short short’s. When the greatest basketball player this earth has ever seen (Larry Bird) wore short shorts, it was viewed as “lame.” But now that more and more African American’s are buying in, it’s considered “cool.”
I’ll tell you what: Whether you’re one of my frat brother’s wearing thigh-high chubbies, or a star athlete wearing shorts borrowed from the 7th-grade basketball team, it’s still fucking lame. That shit was never cool. That being said, it’s still our shitty look!
Really though, please start wearing baggier shorts again. I’ve already invested a large amount of money in shorts that rest below my knees. I don’t need you switching trends on me like that.
These are just a few examples of cultural appropriation that I've decided to discuss. I could have gone on to point out the African American takeover of the historically white, wine snob label, via NBA players (SHEESH). Stop pretending like you know what expensive wine tastes like; It's our thing to act like we know which full-bodied Merlot is the $100 bottle.
I even thought about discussing yet another attempt to rob our culture of ATV's and dirt bike's.
Typical liberal Google spreading lies. How could it be possible that Asian's invented dirt bikes if they can't even drive?
ATV and dirt bike’s roots aren’t from the streets; they’re from the country. And that’s exactly how it should stay!
So the next time you think about throwing on that flannel, tossing in a fat lip, playing golf, crushing beers with the bro's, and/or driving doorless Jeeps - Think about what kind of message you're portraying.
**Comment below what you've been doing to take up all your extra time during the quarantine. I've been working on my new rap album: "So This Is What Jail Feels Like," growing my hair out to get some cornrows, and working on perfecting my yellow-face makeup. If you're bored I recommend checking out my top 3 favorite rappers right now: Macklemore, Lil Xan, and Kreayshawn.**