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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

Another Round of Much Improved, But Still Threatening, Antonio Brown Texts Released

Updated: Dec 18, 2019

Whether it's forcing his way out of Pittsburgh and Oakland or forcing his way onto women (allegedly), Antonio Brown can't seem to get out of the news. Just today, more text messages were released to threatening the same trainer as before. Although Brown appears to not have learned his lesson from sending threatening texts, he seems to have learned a lesson in the art of writing following his re-enrollment to Central Michigan University. The structure of his newest text messages are much improved, we have to admit. They read as such:

[Text 1]

To my dearest [Name Retracted],

I truly wish we didn't have to come to this point in our relationship. As we both recall, I initially reached out to you requesting your training services. I had anticipated that you'd see this request as a reason to be in your presence once more. Being that I was an all-pro NFL receiver and you were a retired gymnast, respectfully, I thought you would know. I honestly thought this was the case when later on, I slept with you and ejaculated on your back.

A few months later, you contacted me through the online application, Instagram. You were agitated after I cut off communication with you. After the mother of my child found out about you, she sure did come at you quite aggressively. I want to apologize for that.

But now, here we are. I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but it appears to me that you’re using these accusations to achieve some sort of monetary compensation. Perhaps for your gym that’s financially struggling?

I can still remember when we attended Central Michigan University together; We met at the athlete Bible study. The moments we shared were once fond to me. Now it seems as though you used our Lord and Savior as an excuse to get close to me emotionally. My only request is to please not contact my team or myself for the time being.

[Text 2]

First, I want to apologize if I lost my cool in that last text message. With that, it’s come to my attention that your mother may have put you up to this. I firmly believe that you should show the strength to be your own person. Even though you have a deep emotional connection with your loving mother, I have no doubt that she’s using you to gain financially.

I know you worked your tail off to get to the level of gymnastics that you achieved. Unfortunately, not everyone can make it to the absolute apex of athletics. I consider myself one of the few lucky ones.

The mother of my child and I were speaking, and we believe you would benefit working on your mental makeup. It brings us much sorrow to think about your living situation. In a way, I always imagined myself as Aladdin of some sort. I took it upon myself to show you the world, but here you have betrayed me. I’m truly sorry it had to come to this.

P.S. I ejaculated on your back.

[End Text]

We reached out to Antonio Brown's English 303 professor, Ms. Karlsbad, for comment. She says that she's exceptionally proud of how far Antonio has come in such a short amount of time. After reading the original texts, she was disgusted by how bad Brown's spelling, grammar, and overall writing was. Through it all, she says she could see the raw, emotional talent inside of Brown, and challenged him to rewrite those texts to better express his feelings. Ms. Karlsbad noted, "He really showed just how thoughtful he can be. He was able to completely transform his writing style in under 2 months. I saw Antonio as my own little 'Last Chance U' player. When I gave him the assignment, his lawyer berated me. He asked me why the fuck I would have his client rewrite incriminating texts and then send them to the accuser. I told him that it's important for Antonio to be able to express himself, and I'm happy I did."

Whether you believe the accusations or not, it's a beautiful thing to watch a human grow intellectually. Bigleys would argue that one of the most important things a person can learn is to express oneself with words. As for Antonio, we can only sit back and let the judicial system take its course. If he's guilty, let him pay the price. If he's not, we can rest easy knowing that some sort of positive still came out of it all.

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