1…Should We Fear Yahoo's Body Language Experts More Than Facial Recognition
After watching this Vice documentary about how China uses facial recognition to track everything, I got a little freaked out. At minute 1:07, they show a TV screen that shames those who have broken petty laws like jaywalking. "What a creepy fucking dystopia," I thought to myself.
I then went on to read numerous Yahoo (my stepfather) articles with body language experts, immediately shifting my fears. Sure, having my face plastered on a TV screen for spitting my gum on the sidewalk scares me. But nothing frightens me more than pulling a girl from the bar, walking home with her, and seeing my face appear on a screen with the caption, "WARNING: Body Language Show's He's Just Not That Into You."
Of course, this is all hypothetical and highly unlikely; The part about me pulling a chick from the bar, not the part about the Big Brother body language expert.
2…We All Knew About College Admissions and R. Kelly Scandals, Right?
There's a funny little thing we humans like to do. We'll act completely ignorant to the things around us, until they become the center of attention.
Exhibit A: The College Admission Scandal when everyone acted mind-blown that rich people were buying their kids into universities. Somehow this story is still in the news as if we didn't know.
Who? Who are these people pretending we didn't know? I thought we all agreed that this was going on. I've seen this happen on a lesser scale in suburbia, let alone the filthy rich. I know neanderthals whose parents were willing to pay a "you name it" admissions price tag so their kid could attend college. Am I supposed to pretend like the ultra-wealthy and ultra-powerful aren't doing the same?
More importantly, Exhibit B: R. Kelly. I included the college admissions scandal, but this is really about R Kelly to me. The guy made BANGERS, and you expect me to not listen to them? I recently bought an R Kelly greatest hits CD from the clearance rack at Target for $3.99. When I brought it up to the counter, the cashier had the NERVE to give me the stink eye. Luckily for Bigleys, I was born with an incredible imagination. That imagination gave me the ability to pretend like it was 2018 when we all acted like we didn't know. See where I'm going with this?
I mean, the 15 previous controversies weren't clued enough? I was in 1st grade when he pissed on a girl, and even I understood what was going on. Besides, the guy's going to jail anyway, so it's not like the money is benefiting him. Chances are, it's headed to the victims and/or family. Technically I'm the hero in this story.
Go ahead, put yourself on that pedestal, but I'm still jamming to the Remix To Ignition.
3…Why Did They Do Richard Bernstein Like That?
For those of that who are unaware, the Bernstein family are Michigan's first family of law, as claimed by them. They're also arguably Michigan's worst looking family of law. That being said, they didn't do Richard too many favors in their ads. Before I continue, though, I want to let you take a swing at which one is Richard:
If you guessed the one looking in the opposite direction of everyone else than you'd be right.
Many of you are probably wondering, "Did he happen to look at the wrong camera? Maybe there was something funny to his right. Perhaps the picture was taken before he was ready. Could he have been honoring his ancestors and how they used to take set pictures in the 1900s This is fake, right?"
All great guesses, but incorrect. The truth is, Richard is blind. Since he literally cannot see, you'd think they could have pointed him out in the general direction of the camera. If I saw a blind guy about to walk into ongoing traffic, I wouldn't think to myself, "Well, he's gotta learn somehow."
Better yet, they didn't stop at just the picture. The Bernstein family decided to toss him right into a commercial and talk to the wall:
If you're beginning to feel bad for this guy, don't. He graduated law school, became a lawyer, and is now a judge – All while blind. He is literally, blind justice. I don't think this article is going to discourage Richard from accomplishing his goals anytime soon. Well, that and FaHoo isn't offered in braille.
4…Does It Hurt Less When Dwarfs Fall?
While we're on the topic of people with handicaps, I figured I'd ask. It's a valid question.
5…Why Are Meat Sticks and Body Spray Triggering Me?
Considering I just joked about blind people and dwarfs, I think it's fair to say I'm highly qualified to pick out a douche bag. It takes one to know one. That saying's not true at all, but when I said it in my head it made a lot of sense, so I'm running with it.
A while back, I was scrolling through Instagram and saw a comment by an account claiming to be Slim Jim – You know, the company that sells meat sticks. I can't remember what it said exactly, but it had the same vibe as my 15-year-old cousin asking me if I sold "ganja."
As an investigative journalist, I decided to click on the page, and wouldn't you have it; it was Slim Jim. I immediately hopped onto the Twitter machine to see what kind of shit they were saying there. The results were devastating. Never in my life have I wanted to get into a physical altercation with a meat stick. Did the CEO hand over the keys of the marketing department to his high school nephew?
Then to make matters worse, I found out Slim Jim and Axe Body Spray have some sort of bromance. I wish I could somehow manipulate this into something funny, but your boy is triggered. Just....just take a look for yourself:
6…What Do Unemployed Kickers Do?
I'm not talking about guys who've been in the NFL for a while and happened to get cut. I'm talking about the guys trying to get into the league. It's gotta be discouraging when your wife comes home from work and asks what you did all day, and your only response for the past year has been, "Well, kicked some balls at the local high school. And...that's about it."
7…SUPREME is Trolling Everyone, Right?
I see a lot of FaHoo in SUPREME. Just like how FaHoo stole our logo from our stepfather, SUPREME stole their logo from Barbara Kruger. They then started slapping their logo over other popular brands, images, etc. and selling products. Shit, if that happened to FaHoo, there's not a chance I'm admitting it was a joke. If I somehow tripped into a multi-million dollar business, I'm riding the wave until that thing crashes. A SUPREME Oreo for $250? Fuck it, why not?
8…Are We Sure Successful Rappers And Country Singers Are Really THAT Different?
There's long been animosity between rap fans and country fans. Country fans don't see why you would want to listen to people mumble through a song. Rap fans don't know why you would want to listen to songs about farming — both fair points. Personally, I don't have a dog in this fight. My number 1 genre on Spotify was Pop-Rap, so...
When it comes down to it, are they all that different? At least the ones who have made it. One millionaire says he's got Henny in the cup holder, pretending to do drive by's. The other millionaire says he's got a Bud Light in the cup holder, pretending to round up cattle. Except for rare cases, neither is living the life their lyrics portray. Well, that's if that was their old life at all. If you could read my mind at the gym as I listen to rap, you would swear the white boy who grew up with virtually no hardships was about to commit a felony for the Crip Life. But it's still fun to pretend, am I right?
9) Reddit In General: Why?
The way I feel about Reddit is no secret. It's a weird fucking place. I've written about it in multiple articles before this, including that time when people took my fake LinkedIn character a little too literal.
If you ever scrolled through Reddit, you'll find that the internet goes much deeper than you could have ever imagined. If you want to jack off the nude cartoon fairy's, I guarantee there's a page for that.
Yet, with all of the possibilities that exist on the site, the Bored subreddit still somehow survives. I hate to talk down on the page since they tend to respond kindly to FaHoo articles and are one of 4 subreddits that haven't banned me, but it's my responsibility to speak on the topic.
The whole page is just weird. I can't tell if it's 10-year-olds, Incels, socially awkward 40-year-olds, or all the above. Just take a look for yourself:
....Guess I'll just end the article here.