An Article Celebrating My Bravery - How I Adopted a Dog AND Survived COVID
With the COVID pandemic entering its sixth month of ruining my life, it's been easy to look past the everyday heroes working in the background as we selfishly retract into our own personal bubbles. It's safe to assume that's precisely why no one has taken the time to write an article about me for adopting a child (dog), getting COVID the very next day, and still managing to provide the support that she needed to survive. #Bravery
Luckily, I've been able to learn from the superheroes that fill the nursing profession. They've taught me that you sometimes have to let people know how self-important you are - all the time. For this reason, I've taken it upon myself to publicly celebrate, well...me.
Unlike most people adopting dogs out of narcissistic quarantine boredom, I saved my puppy's life with purer intentions: To use her for content. You may not have been able to tell by my Pulitzer award-winning writing these past couple of months (Pretending Hammocking Is A Legit Activity And 7 Other Things People Should Stop Doing // Are Shock Collars Ok To Use On Children? Parent Reddit Debates), but my inspiration has been at an all-time low. My article views have tanked, my activity on Twitter has been virtually non-existent, and I'm basically banned from all but two subreddits.
I just haven't been myself as of late, and it's resulted in some self-sabotaging, poor people behavior. I've spent a concerning amount of time smoking cigs outside of my local Dollar General, buying scratch off's at 7-11 and playing them inside the store, dining in at my local Pizza Hut, even drinking entire coffees outside of Speedway's so I can get a free refill has become a daily routine. I'm about a week away from commenting on a 4-month-old Venmo payment to tell my friend he forgot to include the extra $3 for the tip.
It was clear the time had come to make some changes; Time I buckle down, accept more responsibility, and finally become a parent; A dog parent.
A dog, not cattle...
**If anyone says anything problematic about my sweet Baby McChunkles, I swear to God I'll get in a contentious argument with you over the internet**
To better prepare myself, I began researching parenting tips. There, I fell into the wild world of parenting blogging. It didn't take long before I realized I had missed my calling. The parenting blogosphere was quite obviously the place to be. Here, a good point and a disastrous take are met with equal praise; The kind of praise and attention that I so rightfully deserve.
While I've been grinding, building FaHoo, the participation trophy of blog communities was right there in front of me. The prospect of immediate acceptance has led me to the decision to shift the focus of my target audience towards a group that'll make me feel self-righteous and allows me to refer to myself as a #GirlDad / #DogDad, completely unironically.
I'll be the first to admit, I've had some controversial stances on parenting...
But being the bad guy for as long as I have has taken it's toll. I want to be loved too...
That's why I'm ecstatic to start this new stage in my life. I finally understand why people have kids. When things get stale, and relationships begin to crumble, becoming a parent can act as the super glue. I feel creatively replenished. The only regret I have now is wishing I would have started rehabbing my image months ago...
Not like that…
I’m no longer the irresponsible guy that posted “COVIDTour2020” on his Instagram story whilst vacationing during the pandemic’s peak; I’m a single parent raising a young pup and working full-time, all while battling a recent diagnosis of COVID-19.
My overall goal in joining the parent's blogosphere is to become the GOAT at finding reasons why my parenting job is harder than others. Parenting is already THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD, so why wouldn't I want to be the hardest working parent of all?
Obviously, I don't want to start on a controversial left foot with the parent bloggers, but I think it's fair to say that I made more personal sacrifices by adopting my child rather than conceiving one. I paid $550 of my hard-earned money and didn't even get to have sex. Well, actually, $540. Not because I tried to bargain for a living creature - I'm too big of a pussy to try that - I just didn't want to take out the extra 20 from the ATM.
When I pulled up to meet the surrogate, I put my best dad face on and pretended like it wasn't a done deal. But as soon as Misses McSnuggles Booper Goober Schnarkle Baby Cakes was carried out of that truck, I knew there was no turning back.
I was so indulged in my own feelings that I was willing to ignore any questions or concerns I previously had. I'm only human, so I may have overlooked some things; Like how I chose the only dog who's terrified of walks. Every morning at 6 AM, it now sounds like I'm abducting my own dog - As if I'm emotionally abusive for making her partake in an activity that all dogs should love. Her constant crying makes it sound like I'm walking a public bus that's coming to a stop.
When we finally return home, she'll lay down and look at me as though she just experienced the terrors of Vietnam.
This intense feeling of love is also why I found nothing wrong with the dog's medicals being on a Tractor Supply Company pamphlet. Instead of inquiring about why the first round of vaccines was recorded next to a John Deere coupon, I managed to look past the "How to give your dog shots," directions on the back page, and instead, pretend the midwife brought the dog to a legitimate vet.
Despite my life being harder than someone born with no legs, I thank God every day for blessing me with parenthood. Before, adopting a dog would've been viewed as an irrational, irresponsible, and emotionally driven decision. But now, it's nothing less than an act of heroism for saving and raising another life.
As for the "extreme" training method of driving to the Humane Society after a pee accident, signing the paperwork to give her up, only to walk out last second as a scare tactic of what could happen to her -- Simply a funny lesson I can share with my parenting Facebook group.
I look forward to growing with my new blogging family, grumbling about the difficulty of our suburban lives, and pretending that there aren't people living in the Amazon, still raising children better than us. Easy to raise a kid when you never have to go to a 9-5. I'm sure cost of child care over there is cheaper too, right?
All I ask my audience to do is please tell a parent you know, specifically me, about how truly brave and responsible they are—especially those who survived COVID (again, me). There's someone out there who needs to hear it. What I'm trying to say is that my life is harder than yours and I need you to confirm that.