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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

A Poem Dedicated To Those Who Don't Understand Sidewalk Etiquette

Updated: Feb 13, 2020

With the start of the new decade, I promised myself I'd find a new outlet for all my anger. Instead of directing my fits of rage at unsuspecting passerby's, I've decided to take a different approach for 2020. Rather than be so straight forward, I plan on being more passive-aggressive with my animosity. That is why I've decided to give poetry a try.

My first poem will be called Sidewalks. It's an a(u)(r)tistic expression of my hatred towards the growing number of people who don't understand how sidewalks work. The rules are elementary; how could you possibly fuck them up? I'm all for being an individual and breaking out of the norm, but there are rules a society must follow. With the absence of these rules comes anarchy. This poem expresses my feelings on the issue. So here it is - Sidewalks:

Sidewalks, oh sidewalks, you keep us safe

From the speeding vehicles and an early grave

Even when bikes threatened our walking space

You created that pesky bike lane just in case

Your rules are simple, like child's play

Yet some Neanderthals don't understand the walkway

So this is for you morons, listen up, okay?

Before I flip my shit and cut off your airway

There's only a few laws that you must follow

If they're so goddam hard, make sure your wife swallows

Or blow it on her chest and wipe it with a towel

For eliminating those genes, society sends our mahalo

Sorry, I've been sidetracked, back to the rules,

First, you must stay on the right side - that's preschool

Share: half the sidewalk is yours, half is mine

This doesn't have to turn into another episode of Dateline

If you have more than one person, your half does not grow

One of you must simply retract to allow me to forgo

Refuse to move, you finna catch a 'bow

I don't care if you're a bitch, I don't love these hoes!

You saw me move my shoulder to give you some space

Yet you ran through me like a catcher at home base

That's it, fuck it, shit's going down


I turnaround, tap him on the shoulder, and kick out his knee

Pandemonium! He crashes down like a mighty big tree

People are now staring and pointing at me

As if I was the one taking up the whole sidewalk so carefree

I look down, he looks up and asks, "What the fuck?!"

I say back, "You didn't care when it was you acting amuck."

He yells back, "You fucking psycho, call the ambulance truck!"

I say, "You're on your own, you fucking sidewalk cuck."

And that's the story of a man who thinks others are less than

Who refused to follow the rules like a caveman

Show some courtesy, move over, and follow this plan

Or I'll declare war on the sidewalk Taliban!

**Snapping Fingers**

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1 commentaire

11 janv. 2020

The correct pluralism of passerby is passersby. The more you know. I see that Mr Bigleys lives by the same etiquette I do, and that makes me all warm inside. I wish the two of us could walk together, side-by-side, and sometimes one-in-front one-in-back when others walk past us to admire our coordinated basic-ass rule-following.

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