A Poem Dedicated To Those Who Don't Understand Sidewalk Etiquette
Updated: Feb 13, 2020
With the start of the new decade, I promised myself I'd find a new outlet for all my anger. Instead of directing my fits of rage at unsuspecting passerby's, I've decided to take a different approach for 2020. Rather than be so straight forward, I plan on being more passive-aggressive with my animosity. That is why I've decided to give poetry a try.
My first poem will be called Sidewalks. It's an a(u)(r)tistic expression of my hatred towards the growing number of people who don't understand how sidewalks work. The rules are elementary; how could you possibly fuck them up? I'm all for being an individual and breaking out of the norm, but there are rules a society must follow. With the absence of these rules comes anarchy. This poem expresses my feelings on the issue. So here it is - Sidewalks:
Sidewalks, oh sidewalks, you keep us safe
From the speeding vehicles and an early grave
Even when bikes threatened our walking space
You created that pesky bike lane just in case
Your rules are simple, like child's play
Yet some Neanderthals don't understand the walkway
So this is for you morons, listen up, okay?
Before I flip my shit and cut off your airway
There's only a few laws that you must follow
If they're so goddam hard, make sure your wife swallows
Or blow it on her chest and wipe it with a towel
For eliminating those genes, society sends our mahalo
Sorry, I've been sidetracked, back to the rules,
First, you must stay on the right side - that's preschool
Share: half the sidewalk is yours, half is mine
This doesn't have to turn into another episode of Dateline
If you have more than one person, your half does not grow
One of you must simply retract to allow me to forgo
Refuse to move, you finna catch a 'bow
I don't care if you're a bitch, I don't love these hoes!
You saw me move my shoulder to give you some space
Yet you ran through me like a catcher at home base
That's it, fuck it, shit's going down
Happy Gilmore - YOU'RE GOING TO DIE CLOWN!
I turnaround, tap him on the shoulder, and kick out his knee
Pandemonium! He crashes down like a mighty big tree
People are now staring and pointing at me
As if I was the one taking up the whole sidewalk so carefree
I look down, he looks up and asks, "What the fuck?!"
I say back, "You didn't care when it was you acting amuck."
He yells back, "You fucking psycho, call the ambulance truck!"
I say, "You're on your own, you fucking sidewalk cuck."
And that's the story of a man who thinks others are less than
Who refused to follow the rules like a caveman
Show some courtesy, move over, and follow this plan
Or I'll declare war on the sidewalk Taliban!