A friendly reminder that my poetry book, People I Hate, will be on sale by 2021. My poems about plane sprinters and people who don't return their shopping carts will be inlcuded. Read them here.
I wrote this with a crippling hangover. Here it is, Bar Bumpers:
I arrive at a bar with some buddy's - it's a Saturday night
We're drinking, laughing, and I'm feeling alright
The bartender comes up to me and ask's what I'd like
I let her know, "Could I please get a Tito's and Sprite?"
Like lighting, she's back with the receipt and my drink
Fuck, $25? I gotta give this whole 'going out' thing a rethink
I tip her, turnaround, and faster than I could blink
An impatient man bumps me like a fucking rat fink.
Despite dropping my drink, I keep my composure
I try not to judge; he probably suffers from lead exposure
If I knock this fucker out, I'll never get closure,
for why this kid thinks it's ok to act like a fat fucking ogre.
See, it's not the cocktail that makes me want to lose my shit
I mean, I do get weak hands when I drink, I have to admit
Not offering to buy me another drink? Didn't bother me a bit
It's the fact he couldn't utter, "Excuse me," that I cannot omit
I turnaround and give him a simple, "Come on, man."
He looks at me with his face completely deadpan,
Says, "Waiting isn't how I became a successful businessman."
And so, the terrible thoughts in my head had began.
"Let me remind you, Aaron Hernandez killed two men for this
And continued with his life in absolute bliss
Luckily for you, CTE hasn't made my brain swiss
You're just lucky I don't have you go missing like Ferris......BUELLER"
He asks, "Wait, did your last statement just completely rhyme?"
I change the subject and apologize for saying I'd commit a crime
He accepts my apology for giving him a hard time
I ask him for his name, and he tells me it's Carl Hines
He leaves, I turn, and next to me are ten beautiful chicks
"Would you girls like a drink? It's all on me," I say real slick
"10 Tito's and Sprites. Carl Hines tab. Double shots for an extra kick."
He's a businessman. $400 won't affect that dipstick….