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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

A Guide To Gaining Clout From The Australia Bushfires

Set the alarms because 2020 is starting off HOT for activism clout. In case you've missed it, Australia is on fire – the whole thing. Luckily for us, an array of natural disasters in 2019 - including the long-forgotten Amazon fires - have prepared us for this moment. With the help of our Chief Social Media Expert, Mister Bigleys, we've put together a fool-proof guide on how to pretend you're actually doing something. Follow these simple steps, and we guarantee you'll slay the first big disaster of 2020.

1…Tweet About The Koalas

They’re cute, they’re cuddly, they’re the Australian teddy bear, and they’re all on FIRE. Tweeting about the Koala’s is like tweeting about a dog: You’re going to get likes. Better yet, Koalas are the perfect way to avoid taking any real action. Tweet crying emojis, express your sorrow, and tell Twitter how much you wish you could run into those flames to boop each and every one of their schnoz’s. Nothing is braver than sticking up for those without a voice.

Response To This Tweet Below
Like the fire of Notre Dame, now is a good time to cycle back through those old vacation pics
If we get 200,000 signatures the fires will have no choice but to stop!
The blood of Koalas are on your hands, Conservatives
Gotta respect an opportunist
Did my part

2…Make a Political Point

You've been reading up on the Australian fires for nearly 30 minutes now. This, by law, makes you an expert on everything related to the fires. Use your platform of 76 followers to expose what's really going on. Politics don't wait for the bodies to stop burning and neither do you. For optimal likes, we highly recommend tweeting about climate change. Worst case scenario: You start a Twitter argument and distract everyone from the fact that you're not going to donate. #winning

This take is hotter than the burning koala corpses
Bring in the Greta
I knew it. Climate change isn't real.
Wait...Did we change the name of Climate Change again?

3…Help Expose The Naked Philanthropist

The Naked Philanthropist has taken the internet by storm. As I’m writing this, she’s collected horny donations of nearly $1 million. Every $10 donated gets you a nude photo from this blonde bombshell. But, of course, with the internet being the internet, she’s been exposed as a racist. SHIT! Help spread the word. For those who have already donated, I hope you’re proud; It takes a real scumbag to get off to racism.

I will admit..."the sources someone compiled" is a way cooler way to say "old Tweets"
"please donate via other sex workers"
OHH JESUS FUCK! How am I supposed to jack off now knowing it's a racist nude?

4…Be The Hipster Philanthropist

Are you the kind of person who zigs when others zag? Are the Australian fires a little too mainstream for your tastes? When others were chanting about Kony 2012, were you raising the awareness of Syria blocking The Red Cross from the Baba Amr district of Homs? If so, this plan is perfect for you. Use this opportunity to bring up a completely unrelated issue while simultaneously shaming all the attention that the Australian fires are receiving. It works similarly to when you say things like, “ still listen to this band?” Naturally, people will be drawn to your superior world view. Congratulations, you are the wokest link.

Coming in second to Koala lives is nothing to be embarrassed about, Haris
Because Ebola and crippling poverty isn't an excuse to not donate, Jamie
Is it fair to say the Australian fires are OVERRATED?
Ugly see's your fires and raises you slavery AND a genocide

5…Get Mad At Celebrities

If you're going with this option, then chances are you're already a seasoned vet when it comes to bashing rich people. This isn't much different than that time you correctly pointed out all the water bottles Kylie Jenner could have bought for Flint if she had donated that $200,000 instead of buying a new sports car. You're allowed to bash celebrities because you're morally superior; This is a fact. If you had money like they had money, you'd undoubtedly live a minimalist lifestyle, donating a majority of your fortune to each and every world disaster. Tweet at those selfish bastards, remind them of their net worth, and call them out for hoarding all their money.

To be fair, Kim already played her "nude" card. For real though, don't be a cunt, Kim, 5% is only $17.5 million of your net worth
I'm starting to get a feeling something is going on in Palestine...
Better be careful bringing that HEAT, Dana - We don't need to start another fire
Actually, Tyler, despite being a citizen of Australia, Nicole only donated $500K which is 0.3% of her net worth. I'd argue she didn't donate enough!!
Shaming celebrities AND Notre Dame donations... +10 Woke Points for you, Janine

6…Tweet a Link

Fuck donating yourself. The second you tweet a link, you're technically "fundraising." It's a classic loophole to skip coughing up your own money. With that being said, CLICK HERE to donate to the Australian Wildfire efforts. If you tweet FaHooNews with an image of your donation, I'll send you a picture of a cock for every $10. I look forward to seeing you in my mentions.

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1 Comment

Jan 11, 2020

God, Mr. Bigley's is so good at this. Too good at this. My body is creaming in places where I could have sworn couldn't cream.

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