Ahh Christmas, the best time of the year. There’s just that sense of magic in the air, especially for children. I can still remember those sleepless Christmas Eve nights wondering when Santa was going to come down that chimney and deliver all my gifts with the receipts, of course, in case the shoes didn’t fit. I remember leaving carrots out for the reindeer, and the cookies with 4 Vicodins because “Santa has a bad back from all those gifts he has to drag around.” My fondest memory was riding my new Huffy down to the nearby apartments to inject some motivation into the poor kids to show them that with just a little hard work and dedication to behaving better next year, Santa would bring them better gifts as well. But this story isn’t about me and my good deeds by helping out the poor, it's about a 7-year-old girl and her complete lack of situational awareness and, quite honestly, complete lack of a spine. To protect her identity Fahoo will not use her real name in this article because Fahoo loves da kids. Instead, we’ll use the alias Michelle Cera.
It was Christmas Eve and little 7-year-old Michelle was growing anxious wondering when Santa would show up to deliver all her presents. Now that privacy doesn’t exist, the government now tracks Santa on his journey across the world. Michelle decided to give the NORAD Santa Tracker line a call to find out exactly where he was. Santa was making, once again, phenomenal time as he did his 1749th Annual Skip Africa Fly By. When Michelle got an answer though, someone unexpected was on the line; President Trump himself. The two had a conversation. They got to talking about her plans for that night. Trump then asked little Michelle if she still believed in Santa. She responded “Yes.” Trump then asked, “Because at 7, it’s marginal right?” She responded, “Yes sir,” even though she later admitted to not knowing what the word meant. To be fair both sides of this conversation were ridiculous. First off Trump asked someone if they believed in Santa while he was talking on the Santa tracking line. Next, the guy asks if believing in Santa at age 7 is marginal in which the young coward ignores her lack of knowledge of the word, and just answers yes. I’m just as confused why Trump is asking a girl if believing in Santa at that age is I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. It doesn’t make any sense but c’mon Michelle. Marginal is what the poor kids who can’t afford real butter put on their stale bread. What's that? Marginal means...Fuck, whatever next paragraph.
Later in an interview, the Post and Courier asked Michelle what she would ask Trump if she got the chance to talk to him again and she responded, “Most people know this question. I would like to ask if he has any kids. I’ve honestly never heard of them or seen any of them so I was wondering.” Christmas Baby Jesus fucking Christ Michelle. You just said it yourself, most people know the answer to the question. Just ask someone and most of them will be able to give you the answer. Yes, he has kids and according to the headlines I read on stepfathers site, Yahoo, they’re all pieces of shit. But what little Michelle said isn’t why I wrote this article, it’s what she didn’t say. If this 7-year-old had any integrity whatsoever she would have hammered Trump on the real issues. Where were the questions about how the families torn apart by ICE were going to celebrate Christmas? Where were the questions about whether or not $5 billion had better use for the American people rather than building a wall? Oh, that’s right Michelle, all you care about is yourself and your American Girl doll (which she got for Christmas, not Fahoo being sexist). There was a time when kids had morals, bravery, and intelligence. You think I wanted to ride my bike down to the apartments and risk popping my tire on a broken 40 oz bottle? You think I wanted to risk getting my brand new bike stolen by Big Ol’ Smelly Kelly in apartment B6? Fuck no, but I did anyway. This took bravery and morals to show the poor kids to stop being lazy and put their mind to behaving so that they could get what I have, and the intelligence to know that there was no way Smelly Kelly, with the one leg being shorter than the other, could ever accelerate fast enough to catch me on my new 6 speed Huffy. Maybe Santa will bring you a longer leg next year, Kelly. Back to the point. You blew your chance, Michelle. I bet you your American Girl doll supports ICE’s efforts of separating Mexican Girl dolls from their families too. You’re only 7 now, good luck living with yourself the rest of your life knowing you could have done something.