7 Steps on How To Pander To White Voters: A Guide For Presidential Candidates
It's been just over a year since I wrote the award-winning political guide, 7 Steps on How To Pander To Black Voters: A Guide For White Presidential Candidates. Fast forward to today, and that list continues to stand the test of time. Did I miss some things? Of course, but who could have foreseen “wear Timberland’s to a disaster area for a photo-op.”
"I convicted the guy who used to live there."
Unfortunately, it doesn't look like my guide made it to the desk of either presidential candidate. Instead, both have decided to take their own unique approaches. For example, Biden has chosen the route of telling people that poor kids can be just as smart as white kids while also articulately breaking down why black voters are, in fact, not black if they don't vote for him. A risky approach if I do say so myself.
Trump, on the other hand, well, Trump insists that the black people love him. "What I've done for African-Americans, no president, I would say, has done. Now, I would say this, they are so happy, because I get the calls, they are so happy at what I've been able to do in Baltimore and other Democratic-run, corrupt cities. The money has been stolen, what they've done has been wasted and has been stolen. Billions and billions of dollars and the African-American community is so thankful. They've called me and they said, 'Finally, somebody is telling the truth.'" Well put.
With both candidates competing to see who can get the blacks to hate them more, I've decided to take a new approach. Elections are about who can zig when the other candidate is zagging. For that reason - and with the election inching closer day by day - I've decided to retool the guide and focus on the whites.
See, I consider myself an expert in caucasian heritage, being that I've lived as one for the past 26 years of my life.
See, I consider myself an expert in the cracker's heritage, being that I've lived as one for the past 26 years of my life. I've grown accustomed to these people, learned their values and culture, attended Applebee's for half off drinks, left bad Yelp reviews to avoid speaking with someone who could improve my experience, and have even grown cozy with the Karen and Nike Monarch types that fill their communities. With my experience and knowledge at hand, I've comprised a comprehensive election guide aimed to attract more white attention than a black kid walking through a midwest suburb.
So, without further ado, I present to you, 7 Steps on How To Pander To White Voters: A Guide For Presidential Candidates:
1…Wear A Hardhat
During your middle of America tour, find a place to bust out the ol’ hard hat. You’re not fooling anyone; we know that you’ve never actually worked a hard day in your life. I mean, your parent’s bought you into Yale, but we can look past that. Things were different back then. Now, they’ll Aunt Becky you.
And we wonder why the recidivism is so high...Is Lori supposed to put "Efficient in Ukulele" on her resume when she tries to return to the workforce?
The opportunity to wear a hardhat is nothing more than a second Halloween for you, minus the blackface. It's not unlike the time I infamously wore a du-rag as part of my "Gangster" costume in the fourth grade; Just put that hardhat on and say something that'll make us middle-class American's happy...something like, "blue lives matter, blue-collar lives matter!" The crowd will simultaneously cum in their britches.
"This hat is yuge"
"You ready to learn how the SF4945 bolt is made?"
"GEORGEY! We already told you the hammer is not a toy"
"You wouldn’t believe how much pussy these things get you"
"I’m an actor!"
"GODDAMMIT, WHO GAVE JIMMY THE NAIL GUN?"
"I’m Gerald Ford"
…you get the point
2…Go To Iowa
"But Bigleys, Iowa's more of a nomination thing," says my imaginary editor.
Listen, I already wrote the whole thing before realizing that. I'm keeping it in the article...
The fields of Iowa, AKA the motherland of whites; To win the presidency, it's required that you pay your respects. Here, it's crucial that you speak slow and simple. Iowa folks aren't evolved like them city whites.
Many of these people have never seen a lizard person in the flesh. They just want to see you up close and personal. Just be sure to avoid any sudden movements. The folks here are like one of those uncontacted tribes that you hear about once a year after a missionary trip goes wrong.
Jesus died for John. John died for Jesus.
During your speech, mention everyday folk jobs like farmers, firefighters, cops, and schoolteachers. Make sure to emphasize the term "schoolteacher" as if Iowa only has single-room schoolhouses and is yet to be granted access to the internet. Trust me; they'll love it.
History: The entire black population of Iowa attends Obama's speech
"I too use hard -er's when speaking about the blacks"
"It's good to finally come face-to-face with you, Trump."
3…Make a Flag
If Trump's taught us anything, it's that the white's love flags. Hand a caucasian a flag, and they'll fly it. Blue lives matter, MAGA, Pow/Mia, the American flag, those little flags for your Chevy Malibu passenger window…Behind viagra, nothing gets bald white males harder than a piece of cloth flowing through the air.
My favorite hat? You guessed it: One with a Florida flag on it. With tensions at an all-time high, is it the best idea to wear a state flag that dangerously resembles the Confederate flag? Probably not. But the need for flags has been ingrained into my DNA. Also, as a plus, it keeps people from speaking to me at the gym.
If you're still not sold on my flag theory, let me ask you this: Have you ever been on a boat? Have you seen what the other boats are flying? MAGA flags. It's where the "silent majority" comes together. Mainly because the whites feel safest when in the middle of large bodies of water because, well, I think you know why…
“We’re safe here. They can’t swim!”
Nearly every house in my suburban neighborhood flies either an American flag, MAGA flag, blue lives matter flag, or a combination of all three. Even one of the very few houses that doesn't support Trump has, quite literally, 70 gay pride flags. It's arguably one of the most extraordinary troll moves I've ever witnessed. I have no doubt in my mind that that house ruins the day of at least 30% of the people who drive by it—just an absolute all-time move.
Just realized the "Bye Don" sign is that way because it sounds like "Biden." Not sure if that's a poorly designed sign or I'm just a moron...
Still on the fence? Just last week, I was lucky enough to catch one of my neighbors in his natural habitat. This adult human took the time to snap some pictures of the new MAGA flag he had attached to the back of his super neat fat tire bike, in front of his AMERICAN MADE 2007 Chevy Trailblazer. Here I share it with you:
Yeah, that’ll kill on the Facebook.
4…Eat at a Midwest Diner
It’s the white’s version of eating soul food with Al Sharpton…
"I’m…ahh...just like…ahhh…ONE OF YOU"
"No, seriously, I don’t know where I am"
Trump's thoughts: "The poor whites love me. Just last week a poor white walked up to me and said, “President Trump, I love what you’re doing for us. We all love what you’re doing for us"
"Watch out for the pretzels, they'll get you"
"I played the sax and that’s how I became America’s first black president…Anyhow, is this your wife?"
5…Don’t Mention Taking Away Our Guns
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT MENTION TAKING AWAY THE GUNS. Us whites love our firearms. We weren't lucky enough to be born with an intimidating skin tone. Guns make up for that lack of physical intimidation...
Jesus Christ, Grammarly, that's racist.
N64 GoldenEye did not age well
Wasn't unarming Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd enough for you libs? What's next? Will the new Space Jam include a scene where Bugs Bunny and Lola Bunny make the drastic decision to abort their pregnancy before playing the Monstars, fearing that LeBron James will trade them too?
Let's just admit it: Guns are as American as baseball and apple pie. Well, back when baseball was pure and true athletes like Babe Ruth still dominated the field. Now that you libtards have opened the floodgates to our borders, it ain't nuthin' but them GERD DAMN MEHICAN-HISPANIC TYPES....TERKING ER BASEBALL JERBS.
6…Be a Former Soldier
…for the classical whites, not so much the new ones. Us young whites completely understand the whole draft-dodging thing. We won’t even get out of our car to get frozen yogurt if the line is too long. Plus, our crippling anxiety makes us unfit for war—still, retro white’s love that shit.
Not to be a Ben Shapiro, but, I mean, statistically speaking....All I'm saying is that it can’t hurt…
I'm sensing a pattern
Now excuse me while send this guide to Lyeri on Twitter. I promised it to her almost a year ago.