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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

7 Steps on How To Pander To Black Voters: A Guide For White Presidential Candidate's

Updated: Jul 31, 2019

Soooo you fucked up…You forgot about black people the first 30-60 years of your political career. Luckily for you, being authentic and having morals has never been your thing. You would lease your own daughter into an organized sex trade for an extra 3% of the Latino vote in Texas. You might even sell her for 10. The point being: Why start being authentic now. It’s time to pander the fuck out of that African American vote. So hop on the Pander Train because FaHoo is about to give you 7 quick and easy rules to follow so that you can pander your way to an African American victory.

1. Tweet Happy Kwanzaa

“But Bigleys, I’ve never once tweeted Happy Kwanzaa in all my years on Twitter.” Doesn’t matter. Social media is all about chasing that clout. You’re trying to win an election, so go chase it. Black people for sure love when white President hopefuls tweet that shit. To really boost your credentials, make sure to mention a term from Kwanzaa. For example, "We can all learn from Kwanzaa and the seven principles it provides. My favorite is 'ujima' which refers to helping others in the community, something my competitor does not believe in. Tweet me your favorite Kwanzaa principle with the hashtag #DefinitelyNotPanderingForBlackVotes."

2. Visit a Mostly African American Baptist Church

Preferably in Jackson, Mississippi. There’s no better picture than you making a speech in a hot church with people holding those cool, old-timey fans in their hands. It’s a great aesthetic as well as a picture that you'll be able to use for the entirety of the election cycle. Just make sure to stretch beforehand. You’re old and white, so we know you’re stiff as a dead dog. Just try to sway back and forth a little during the gospels. It looks a lot better when there’s even some shoulder action in there. There’s nothing whiter than not being able to slightly sway to a rhythm. And when people go crazy on Twitter about how you actually have some rhythm just reply, "With the power of God, Hennything is Possible." Twitter will lose their fucking shit. Even AOC won't be able to top that tweet.

3. Eat Soul Food With Al Sharpton

This is just a right of passage. Everyone does it. This is an interview and just like an interview, it’s important that you separate yourself from the pack. Now, there will be hot sauce provided on the table. It’s important that you don't make this tacky, you only have one chance. While Mr. Sharpton is talking, maintain eye contact, and take your own personal hot sauce out of your bag and apply it to your food. By maintaining eye contact, it’ll look like this is something you always do. Take Hillary's claim that she carries hot sauce everywhere with her and bring that shit to the next level. But, whatever you do; MAKE SURE YOU EAT ALL THE MEAT OFF THAT BONE. Nothing is more embarrassing than eating half a fucking wing. Show some respect God Dammit.

4. Learn the Hottest New Dance Challenge and Debut It on Ellen

Nothing is cooler than when an elderly presidential hopeful tries the coolest new dance challenge in front of millions of people. Just do it. Trust Bigleys, it's going to go great.

5. Do an Interview With the Breakfast Club

No, not the overrated movie. I’m talking about the enormous morning show with Charlemagne Tha God, DJ Envy, and Angela Yee. I recommend you do this during the same week as the Al Sharpton visit. Al was just a warmup and a photo-op. Nobody cares what you say there, but millions will be listening to you on this program. You've already memorized those ebonics and African American social issues note cards. It's fresh in your mind and you've had practice. Sharpton on a Monday, Breakfast Club that next Thursday. It's pivotal that you're sharp for this interview. We need you ready for that one awkward question that Charlamagne will inevitably ask. If white people are the laptop, Charlamagne's questions is the water that just spilled all over the keyboard. Luckily for you, you just applied your waterproof case to your laptop. Just know that the question could be about anything, just make sure to not short circuit.

6. Imply In Interviews How Indulged You Are In ‘The Culture’

What is ‘The Culture’ you ask? No white person knows. Not even white people that claim they know, really know. Just say something about how much you love the NBA. Make sure to mention how your favorite player is Kawhi Leonard, not only because of his dominance, but also because of his incredible fundamentals and low key demeanor. If that doesn’t evoke the response that you were hoping for, mention how great his New Balance’s are. Use words like 'lit' and say how much you love the new 'colorway'. Using terms like these have unlimited upside and no chance of a cringe-worthy YouTube clip.

7. Finally, Tweet About Your Favorite Rapper

Bigleys advice to you is to tweet about Lil Nas X. He’s the hardest rapper on the scene and I have a good feeling that you’re going to like this kid’s song. One listen and I guarantee it will become your new walkout song.

**Well, that's all! Follow these rules and the presidency will be yours in no time. Make sure to check FaHoo News next week and we'll give you 6 new tips on how to pander to coal miners.**

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