As I sat at the gym today, I watched a young, skinny fellow attempt to bench press way more than he should. It appeared as though he was trying to impress the young lady next to him at the gym. Well, it didn't take long for embarrassment to ensue.
As he began his first rep, his arms suddenly gave out, dropping the bar directly on his neck. I could tell by the broken blood vessels in his eyes that he was not going to make this lift. He was kicking his feet, trying to use any strength left to remove the bar so he could breathe. His face began to turn purple. We made eye contact, and I immediately knew that he needed my help.
But that's when an idea popped in my head. And as anyone who writes would know, you should never let a good idea slip. So, I ran past the kid, wished him luck, and headed home to write this article.
Whether you're an A-list celebrity or the fat kid at a pool party, everyone has had awkward moments throughout their lives. That got me thinking— What were some of the most awkward moments in history? And so, I present to you; The top 10 most awkward moments in history.
1. 9/11 Shitters
9/11 was the most devastating moments in American history and is not to be joked about. But, there had to be a decent amount of survivors who were taking dookies when the towers got hit, right? Have you ever taken a shit in the handicap stall and out of nowhere, a dude in a wheelchair rolls up on you? You would begin to pour sweat. Is this man in a wheelchair going to wait for me to finish, or is he going to rollout? Fuck, we just made eye contact. If he takes a look under the stall and sees my pristine legs, he's going to for sure know something is up.
Ok now imagine that except the building you're in just got hit by a plane. AWKWARD.
2. When Jesus Told Judas He Knew
The night was supposed to be perfect. Jesus and his 12 homies eating supper, sippin' on some wine, maybe even had some of Mary Magdalene's hooker friends coming over.
Jesus is being Jesus. Always the life of the party, turning blood into wine and parts of his body into bread. Bitches be loving it. Then out of nowhere, Jesus turns to his disciples and lets them know that someones finna snitch on him. He turns and looks directly at Judas.
Judas is tripping. Could you imagine what he was thinking? Jesus walks on fucking water, and you don't think he knows who's snitching? Meanwhile, all dumb ass Judas had to say was, "Rabbi, am I the one?" And Jesus told him, "You have said it."
First off, what a cold line from Jesus. Fredo snitched on his boy for 30 pieces of silver. I guess Kanye said it best:
3. The First Ancient Greek Model Who Got Put On Blast For His Itty Bitty Teenie Weenie
To be sculpted by Ancient Greek sculptors such as Pheidias, Polykleitos, Praxiteles, Myron, and others was a complete honor. Could you imagine being handpicked to be immortalized?
After months, possibly even years of working on the sculpture, the model finally got to see the finished product. He notices the meticulous details in the curls of his hair, the curvature of the body, the accuracy of the abs, and then…" Yo, bro. My dick isn't that small, is it? I probably just got done running or something. It's usually way bigger than that. You're not really going to put this in the king's palace are you?" Well, good luck getting laid now, Adonis.
4. Breaking Down The Plan to the First Suicide Bomber
Leader: "Ok, so you got the plan, right? It's simple. You run into that building with the vest and press the ignite button when you're around as many people as possible."
Bomber: "Ok. So, do I like, run in, take the vest off, throw it into the crowd, and use then ignite it as I run out?"
Leader: "Ahhhh yeah, about that…Unfortunately, the long-distance remote didn't come in the mail in time so you'll just have to wear it. But listen, virgins, am I right?"
5. The Writer's of the Constitution When They Realized They Left In, "All Men Are Created Equal."
I imagine this being exactly like a group project in college. The person who wrote the whole PowerPoint sends it to the group to read over, and everyone says it looks good without ever actually looking at it. Next thing you know, slide 3 blatantly says Penis.
The same exact thing with the Constitution. James Madison writes the entire thing, sends it to his boys, only to realize they forgot to mention the part, "All men are created equal, except black people." Now James Madison is pissed that no one took the time to look it over. They all think they're going to have to start cutting their own lawns. But luckily for them, slaves couldn't read.
6. When Rikrok Got Caught Red Handed
I mean, fuck. Rikrok got caught on the counter, bangin' on the sofa, in the shower, caught on camera, she saw the marks on his shoulder, overheard the words that he told her, heard the screams get louder, and she stayed until it was over.
After all of this, the best thing this awkward mother fucker could come up with was, "It wasn't me."
7. Literally, Any Disaster Where Someone Was Caught Up Shitting
I realize now that the 9/11 thing could be used in any disaster situation: The Titanic, Pearl Harbor, most mass shootings, any Boeing 737 Max, and more. To not have the chance to properly wipe your ass...Such an awkward feeling.
**Bonus: Hypothetically when Pontius Pilate had his judgment day with God, trying to explain why he murked his son.**