1) Not Having The Temptation To Eat
As a rich person, we are constantly surrounded by the temptation to eat. Every day is another battle. Both my cabinet and fridge are filled with an excessive amount of food, most of which I'm forced to toss. A poor man wouldn't understand the discipline it takes to watch $150 worth of groceries go bad every week, just for the sake of my figure.
Even when I leave the house, I'm regularly tempted by every food spot I pass, knowing that I can literally afford everything on the menu. So next time you complain about being hungry, just think about those who have to force their intermittent fasting.
2) Being Able To Speak From Anywhere In The House
From the outside looking in (assuming you made it inside the gated community), my 4000 square foot home looks picture perfect. Sure, having heated floors is cool, and yeah, the indoor pool is a nice touch, but you don't know what struggle is until you can't find one of your family members in your own home. Every day is like a giant game of hide-and-seek. When I was 12, we lost our 4-month-old puppy in the basement and still haven't found it's remains. Even if I try to text my family, the marble exterior of my house is the absolute, fucking worse for cell phone service.
I envy those who can have a full conversation while sitting on opposite ends of their home. And yeah, I get it; listening to your roommate/parents have sex through those paper-thin walls sucks, but imagine having to trek 3 flights of stairs to ask where the G Wagon keys are. I'm just trying to pick up an aged bottle of Cab Sauv, not go hiking.
3) Always Tan
Due to homelessness or manual labor, poor people never have to worry about tanning. I would love to be able to sunbathe while working, but some of us weren't born with that entitlement. I'm stuck managing my father's hedge fund from the indoors.
Unfortunately for the affluent, the only time we get to tan is during our business golf trips. So, the next time you're thinking of bitching about the heat convecting off that freshly laid blacktop, make sure to check your privilege.
4) Having One Pair of Shoes
When a rich man wakes up, the options of what he could wear are endless. On the contrary, when a poor person wakes up, they know exactly what they're going to wear. It's the paradox of choice. If you're poor and reading this, let me explain. The paradox of choice states that by eliminating the number of options, you also reduce anxiety.
Yeah, your Air Forces let all the water through the holes created after dragging your feet the past 4 years, but have you ever forgotten which shoe closet you put your 6th favorite pair of Yeezy's in?
5) Discounted Vintage Clothing
People forget that the less fortunate get first dibs on vintage clothing. Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking: "But Mr Bigleys, Salvation Army is open to the public. Anyone can go thrift shopping."
You're not wrong. I could absolutely walk into a Salvation Army and find some fresh threads on the low, but God only knows what I'll catch while there.
If Spirit Airlines took a full year worth of air that it's been circulating in its airplane cabins, bottled it, and dipped it in poverty, that's what Salvation Army air would smell like. Not a chance I'm taking that risk.
Instead, the wealthy pay courageous 3rd parties who are willing to inhale underprivileged air to find us our vintage clothing. After finding an item, they start the process by scrubbing the poor out, rebranding it from thrifty to vintage, and up-charging 4000% for the shirt.
I wish I could walk into the Salvation Army to buy that t-shirt at the $3 price level, just like I wish I could drink the tap water in Cancun. Unfortunately for the wealthy, we don't have the immune system to survive either.
6) Missing Out On the GOT Season Finale
Being that the impoverished cannot afford premium-level entertainment, it's fair to say HBO is out of the picture. Usually, I try not to bring up my HBO subscription. As a reporter, it's essential to stay in tune with all types of people. That's why I always include the basic cable package with my premium channels so I can stay up to date with what second class citizens are watching. It keeps me humble and allows me to understand what others are going through.
Of course, the indigent will never understand what it feels like to watch a series for 8 years, only to have the entire last season blow dick. Granted, the poor are a little more desensitized to shit after watching all those seasons of The Big Bang Theory, but the affluent still expect more out of their shows. I guess Biggie was right when he said, "Mo money, mo problems."