2020's Next Trend: Mini Man Missiles
Updated: Feb 18, 2020
Fashion trends are continually cycling in and out of style. What was once in, will go out, only to make a triumphant return. Take 2019 as an example: Girls made their daddy issues public after reviving chokers and dino stompers. Sneakerheads have agreed that dad's lawn cutting shoes are straight fire emoji. Even fat people made it back in style. When kings and queens ruled this earth, excess fat was a point of pride. Being thiccc with three C's showed that you were too wealthy for manual labor. In today's world, Lizzo terrorizes young children at Laker's game with cutout tee shirts showing she's too rich to get kicked out of sports arenas.
Despite these cycles, there seems to be one trend that has remained dormant. While scrunchies and mom jeans have found their way back into popular culture in mere decades, this trend hasn't reestablished itself since 400 BC. The trend I speak of is, of course, little dicks.
For the uncultured swine out there, it may come as a bit of a surprise that tiny Tim's were all the rage in ancient Greek times. I was first made aware of this after writing my article on 7 Awkward Moments in History. In my writings, I bring up Greek models who saw themselves immortalized in marble, only to realize the sculptor did not do them any solids when it came to their love darts. After posting it on Reddit, the mini meat gang proceeded to roast me for my ignorance. They made it clear that small pleasure pumps were revered in ancient Greece.
Honestly, what an absolute fucking fool I was. As a journalist, I take pride in the extensive research that goes into every one of my articles. My pure negligence was deserving of the virtual scathing I received:
Thinking back, my refusal to investigate the matter was the effect of my ongoing sexual identity crisis. Back then, I was scared of being accused of being gay. At that time, Spotify hadn't yet revealed my sexuality through their end of year recap. Although I standby my claim that pop-rap is masculine, there's no denying that it's certainly gay. Now that I've accepted who I am as a pop-rap homosexual, reading about the history of ancient lap rocket's is no longer an issue. Because of this, I was able to dive headfirst into ancient Greek crotch history to confirm what those Reddit users proclaimed.
To my surprise, the incels were right. According to the ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes, the ideal male traits consisted of "a gleaming chest, bright skin, broad shoulders, tiny tongue, strong buttocks, and a little prick."
Historian Paul Chrystal confirms this, saying, "The small penis was consonant with Greek ideals of male beauty. It was a badge of the highest culture and a paragon of civilization." He continues, "Big penises were vulgar and outside the cultural norm, something sported by the barbarians of the world."
Even in Greek comedies, the fools commonly rocked enormous fuck puppets that represented "the sign of stupidity, more of a beast than a man," states Crystal.
I couldn't believe it. All my preconceived notions were completely off. This whole time I thought my enormous cocktapus was something to lust after. I used to brag to my colleagues about having to hover over the toilet seat so I could avoid dipping my large ice cream cone in the chocolate toilet bowl. Ends up, I'm not the superstar I thought I was. I'm merely a grotesque fool.
If Jason Derulo is any indicator, the mini-meat trend is in full effect. Just a couple of weeks ago, Derulo complained after an Instagram picture with him walking out of the pool in a revealing pair of swim trunks got taken off the platform. Then, not two weeks later, we came to find out his vagina miner was CGI'd out of CATZ the movie. To be fair (click here), I don't necessarily blame the producers for making this decision. What were they to do? Gun control is all the rage. Unfortunately for Jason Derulo, his sex pistol took the hit.
Let me just end on this: Despite my manroot being stigmatized, I'm happy for the mini-meat population. Everyone should have confidence in their gospel pipe. If being obese can be sexy, who says having a crippled third leg can't? Rock that speedo at the beach. Forget the basketball shorts underneath those sweatpants. Fear the gym shower no more! Even Brett Favre can send dick pics in complete confidence. So go on with your bad selves, my mini-meat kings. Live your lives knowing you are the essence of male beauty.
**A special thanks to Google: I appreciate you not releasing my 2019 top Google searches. I really don't need to relive those**